Reflections - An Excerpt from my Diary

7/25/2011 3:26:33 PM

Dear Diary:

Today appears to be a gloomy day.  It’s rainy and I completely overslept to the point that I missed out on HOPE and my interview with Prudential. Oh well.  I’m just shocked at what was supposed to a 10-min rest was like 6 hrs of sleep. At this point, I’m not setting a good example for myself. And that’s not good. But what can you do? Just being a schlep for the rest of my life? Yeah, buddy. I don’t think so. To say that it’s been a trying experience has got to be the understatement of the year.

It’s amazing that I hadn’t killed myself yet. Not that I will make light of something like that. That’s just the way how I feel sometimes. And with all of that going on in my life, one of my favorite singers, Amy Winehouse died over the weekend. She was only 27 years old. I’m 29 years old. Shit like this really puts things perspective. I mean she had her demon, but this chick could sing! I mean really sing.  It’s a shame man. I’m two years older than her and I feel like I haven’t even accomplished a tenth of what she had done in her short career. What am I supposed to do with myself?

I really hate asking myself these damn questions, like someone’s supposed to hand me the answers on a white sheet of paper, saying “Psst, where is the answers to life’s questions. Don’t pass it on.” Yeah, can I get “How about no for 400, Alex?”

It appears that I keep asking myself and my bloggers the same thing over and over like a broken record. Why is that? It’s like a need to be validated all the time. Looking for acceptance from everyone and everything I do, can only lead to deception, depression and downright desertion.  Oh, my personal favorite, destruction.

I have not yet given completely on myself, but I do have my moments. Do I really need to go there? Down that road of WTF. No. I’m not done yet. I still have to continue my pilgrimage and continue to learn what I need to learn. That’s just the nature order of things. You may be reluctant at times, but you’re always learning.

If this series of events have taught me anything in the past year or so is don’t take things for granted, or least try not to take things for granted. I have some time left to change and do what needs to be done.

Like I told Kaycee, last Wednesday that I have this undying will that keeps telling to continue pushing forward. Giving up is not an option for me anymore. Giving up is for fools and I’m not a fool. Well, a fool for love, but not a fool.

Well, let’s see what the next day brings. Btw I gave Kaycee a copy of my diary, I hope it was an interesting read and not too boring.